Thursday, September 2, 2010

What is it with retired sports stars wanting to make a comeback? Isn’t the old saying ‘never go back, it’s not as good the second time’? Just ask Tiger Woods…

But, after his aborted return to Formula One earlier this year, it looks like German driving machine Michael Schumacher will be making a comeback in 2010, at the age of 42.

Why does a man who has done everything he possibly can in the sport feel the need to try and come back and do it again?

There’s probably more chance of the cheating Tiger saving his marriage than there is of seven-time world champion Schumacher challenging for the title should he made an anticipated comeback with Mercedes GP.

Knight Rider’s Michael Knight will never be the same without David Hasselhoff and so it is that Michael Schumacher will never be the same without Ferrari.

But Ferrari and F1 don’t need him. OK, so the sport has lost a naughty old man with Max Mosley bowing out, but aging Schuey’s hardly going to provide as much drama.

He makes dishwater look like champagne. He may be the best driver ever, but there’s some pretty good ones now as it is.

McLaren now have a mouthwatering partnership in Lewis Hamilton and world champion Jenson Button.

Ferrari have a pretty hot twosome in Felipe Massa and sulky Spaniard Fernando Alonso, which should set off a few fireworks, while world champion-in waiting Sebastian Vettel will look to get his wings again at Red Bull.

So the last thing they will want to  see is an old man with a knackered neck chugging along in the slow lanes, eating his egg sarnies.

Some comebacks do work; George Foreman won the world heavyweight boxing title in his second comeback to the ring.

But to be fair, George Clooney could have knocked out Shannon Briggs, without the rest of Ocean’s 11. And then there’s football’s Kevin Keegan, who has had more comebacks than Jack Bauer but never managed to save the world, or even create a winning XI.

Jonah Lomu, George Best, Lance Armstrong - to name a few - have all tried and failed on the comeback trail.

Making a winning return is like trying to play drunken Twister when you’re 50 thinking you’re still as nimble, and alcohol tolerant, as you were in your college days.

It’s always gonna end in tears! It’ll be interesting to see how Tiger handles it. He’s probably had enough of Twister though.

So, for your sake Schuey, and the health of all those 50-year-old Twister fans out there, just leave the car in the garage and use your bus pass…

Deal or no deal
Tiger Woods is going to be strapped for cash now all of his big sponsors have started pulling the plug.

So it got us thinking that maybe his sabbatical could lead to a whole host of new deals. Here’s a few ideas Tiger’s people could begin to work on if they ever finish clearing away the dirt...

Now he has plenty of time on his hands, how about striking a deal with that famous biscuit? ‘Have a break, have a Kit Kat’. Or a sweet one to tide him over - ‘A Mars a day keeps the angry wife away’.

Who knows, Tiger could even replace the furry pink bunny used to advertise the world’s leading battery - he’s shown recently he can last longer than most.

Just think of what he could do with all those free minutes if he landed a mobile phone deal - ‘Tiger, connecting people’.

Or now that his dirty laundry is out in the open, Tiger could be the new face of Dr Pepper. After all, ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’

Anyone got any more for him?

Clock off, Fergie
Speaking of sponsors and it’s little wonder Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t endorse any brand of watch, because no time-keeping implement is good enough.

Whether it’s referees, fourth officials, the speaking clock, Big Ben - they’re all wrong. We reckon he’d probably still be moaning on New Year’s Eve when everyone starts celebrating on the stroke of midnight: “Where’s that extra seven minutes we had for the pizza delivery?”

God help the mouse who tried to run up his clock.

His team were granted 97 minutes to grab the winner in the Manchester derby earlier in the season, yet he moans when they are ‘only’ given 93 to get one against Aston Villa at the weekend. To be fair, they could have played all week and not scored. Unlike Tiger…

Heads up Lads
Fergie’s just one manager who likes to do things a certain way and we’ve seen over the past week or so that there’s clearly different ways of getting your message over, depending on your nationality.

Arsenal’s French boss Arsene Wenger was upset after a disappointing first half from his team against Liverpool.

So much so that, as captain Cesc Fabregas revealed, he told his players ‘You’re not fit to wear the shirt’.

Contrast that to Stoke’s Tony Pulis and Ipswich’s Jim Magilton who, upset with their players, decided just to headbutt them instead.

Brings a whole new meaning to that age-old football saying ‘On me ’ed son’.

Maybe Wenger was unable to nut any of his vertically-challenged squad given he’d have to be down on his knees to do it.

But it’s obviously a case of different strokes for different folks. Just ask Tiger.